Even though E4 turns 40 this year, which is a more significant anniversary than 15, the E2 anniversary is really hitting me this year. Several reasons for this, probably, not least of which is that I have no memories of E4 as it predates me by almost a decade. I was 16 when E2 came out, I waited the full three years for it (as opposed to E1, which I only found out about six months before it came out–although I did have to wait a month to see it), and I remember every bit of the build up to it. I collected more stuff around the advent of E2 than any other Star Wars movie; I actually went to unrelated movies to see the trailers, which I never did for the others. And I saw it more times in the theater than any others.
There’s something about 2002 in my memory that really sticks. Metallic blue nail polish, hours playing Sims, waiting for Quicktime downloads of the E2 trailer over dial-up. I had an email newsletter called The EmJay Zone, which I began on August 8, 2000, and eventually racked up 43 subscribers at its peak, though I can’t imagine why as I look through its incoherent rambling for something to share today.
So I wanted to share with you my first review of Attack of the Clones, which I wrote exactly one week after its theatrical release. I apologize in advance if the formatting is a nightmare–a 16 year old wrote it in the early 2000s! Now, I wrote approximately once a week for almost eight years:
The EmJay Zone
vol. 2 issue 60
IT’S MY LIFE!!!!
What can I tell you? I haven’t done anything. Yesterday dad and I drove to town and got a chicken–woo! Excitement city. Last night I was about *this* close to going to the movies but there was a thunderstorm :-p Wednesday–why’d I say tomorrow? GAH! I wish it was tomorrow–I’m going to Krisco’s house. THANK GOODNESS. I’ll be DOING something. Well, actually I won’t. Who wants to bet all we’ll do is watch movies and talk? Oh yeah and get on sugar highs :-p That too. It’s pathetic. Oh well. At least I’ll be doing nothing *with* somebody–Thursday I’ll see Star Wars! *screams* Can you imagine?! ON FRIDAY MY SEEING IT WILL BE IN THE PAST TENSE! I’ve been waiting three bloody years–and wham. It’s here. *Sobs* I feel old. . . :-D Sheesh. . . What else? Nothing else. Oh. I HAVE NO BLOODY THING TO SAY!!
A Little Bit of Star Wars
I TELL YOU!! These people should make up their minds. OK. Now in Episode I, was or was Anakin not 9 years old?! Did they not specify this enough times to sink a ship?! In answer to that question, yes. They did. They said repeatedly that he was nine years old. Not eight, not ten–particuarly not ten. NOWHERE does it say he was ten. Anywhere, and I’ve read a lot of junk about it. In fact, okay go look at Anakin Skywalker Ep.1 journal: on the first bloody page (okay, it’s page 2 but the intro) he says “I am Anakin Skywalker. I am nine years old.” It’s not particularly relavent but go look at the Ep2 visual dictionary! “20 year old Anakin Skywalker. . .” Hello–people do not turn from 9 to 20 in ten years! He would be nineteen. NINETEEN IS NOT TWENTY!! Or rather, twenty isn’t nineteen. When did he have a birthday he didn’t mention to anybody?! And like the ego-maniac wouldn’t tell somebody. “I built a podracer–it’s the fastest ever!” “It’s my birthday today, I’m ten!” Believe me, he woulda told somebody! Yet here he is, magically twenty in ten years!!
Well. Have you seen some of these Star Wars ads on TV? It’s great, I tell you! Mace Windu trying to look all sinister and going, “This party’s over!!” It cracks me up!! Ahhh. . . they ought to do a Jurassic Park spoof and have him standing there, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and go, “Hold onto your butts. . . “
- Christmas is in 228 days.
- Star Wars: Episode II comes out in 3 days!!!!!! *faints* MOTHER!!!!!
- Star Wars: Episode III comes out in 1,198 days (approx.)
The EmJay Zone
vol. 2 issue 61
- The speeder chase–that is awesome! Lots of funny lines (but it’s ruinated in the book).
- Then when they go in the bar, the whole scene is awesome especially the death stick guy. “I don’t wanna sell you any death sticks. . .”
- All the scenes in the Jedi Temple were great–I liked seeing what the joint looked like!! The Archives were awesome–a glow-in-the-dark library!
- Dexter’s Diner rocked too, I liked Dexter. That whole part was great.
- Kamino was an awesome place–the whole time there was great. I loved the Kaminoen’s eyes. Plus Jango Fett is the coolest guy.
- Then when Obi-Wan chases Jango–the seismic charges are the most awesome thing. It’s like–total quiet–then SPANG!!! Plus they’re an awesome color.
- I liked the way the Genosian (Poggle the Leser) talked, it was awesome!!
- I also liked Obi-Wan in the blue glowy restraint thingie.
- The arena fight totally *rocked* as well. “Good job!” That’s like, one of the funniest scenes. :-) Obi-Wan spends a lot of time tied up which is great!! Like, 3 seperate scenes!!
Well, as I’ve only seen it twice I think those are all my favorite scenes. Stuff I didn’t like/mistakes:
- Yoda messed up his own dialogue in so many instances it wasn’t funny. He kept saying stuff like “Bring me a ship” instead of “a ship bring me.” Or, “take me to the commander” instead of “to the commander, take me.”
- The Jedi battle was disapointing. Why can’t they have any other colors besides green and blue?! IT’S BORING!!!
- The duel was also disapointing. YODA SHOULDN’T FIGHT!! That scene is too funny, it just ruins it. :-p Plus, it’s so unrealistic. Like this two-foot green runt could fight a Sith Lord where Obi-Wan and Anakin couldn’t. BAH! Plus Yoda is *SCARY* with facial expressions.
- Behold: YODA’S STUPIDEST LINE IN EPISODE II: “To see you alive brings warm feelings to my heart.” <–DUMBEST LINE IN EPISODE II, PERIOD. Plus, shouldn’t it be, “To alive see you, warm feelings to my heart brings”? Bah.
- Mace saying “This party’s over” was just plain ludacris
Then, umm. . . . I know there was lots I didn’t like. Yoda was way better w/o facial expressions. He gives me nightmares now :-p Anakin totally stunk. If only they’d gotten a decent actor!! He just was *BLAH* through the whole movie. He couldn’t pull off the dialogue, when he’s trying to tell Padme he loves her, it comes off more like him challenging someone to a fight. When he says “everything here is so soft and beautiful,” I swear he is looking at Padme’s boobs!!! SERIOUSLY!!! Anakin has zero pain tolerence–he’s such a wuss!! He gets electrocuted for like, not even 10 seconds, and he’s laying around moaning his head off and can’t fight. LUKE GOT ZAPPED FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AND THEN PROCEEDED TO DRAG HIS FATHER’S STUPID BODY TO A SHUTTLE AND FLY AWAY!! Anakin’s just always useless. All pouting over his mother getting captured but it’s not like he was in a hurry to rescue her!! He let a bloody month go by!! And Padme, when she falls out of the ship. She’s laying on the ground moaning, then the guy comes up to her and says are you okay? and she pops up and goes, Yeah!! No moaning, nothing. And Anakin refusing to rescue Obi-Wan–GOOD BLOODY GREIF. I notice he was more than eager to break all the rules for Padme! But for Obi-Wan, oh no! Heaven forbid! And the Jedi–“We’ll rescue him.” Genosis is on the other side of the galaxy–they get around to sending a team, what, 12 hours later?! *Sigh* I’m going to calm down now. :-) I have some stuff I want to write so I’m gonna chill with my ranting and send this. :-)
May The Force Be With Y’All
I can’t think of anything and I want to go do stuff! Go watch Episode II! Good night!
I am, as always, your ever-ambitious author,