Something You Wish Hadn’t Happened
When it comes to Star Wars, there’s kind of a lot I wish I could’ve prevented. But if there was some kind of genie that granted wishes that applied only to entertainment franchises you loved deeply enough to inspire the intervention of a genie, well, these would be my three things I would wish out of the Star Wars universe.
This first one, I feel so strongly about and have felt so strongly for so long that I wrote a poem about it.
What I Would Change
Yoda would not fight in Episode II!
That’s no thing to put us through.
He looks so stupid I can’t even watch–
I’d like to kick him in his dumb crotch.
He should not fight with a lightsaber,
He should not fight with his next-door neighbor.
He should not fight with Force lightning,
He should not fight, dive, jump, or swing.
He should not fight with Count Dooku.
That whole segment makes George seem cuckoo.
I’d erase this scene so flipping fast,
And replace it with something unsurpassed.In short, that’s the thing I’d change:
No Yoda-on-smack in sight range.
Obi-Wan would fight LIKE. A. BOSS.
And Yoda his cookies would probably toss.
I wish that the canon hadn’t bloated over the end date prescribed by Timothy Zahn in Vision of the Future — that is, I wish the New Jedi Order had never been conceived of. This has bothered me longer than the Yoda thing, mostly because that’s only been around since 2002, and NJO started torturing my sensibilities long before that. I can’t even read the other books about the Solo children now because it turns my stomach the senseless stuff the shock authors wrote, just to garner sales! In the face of decency, logic, character development — everything that makes sense — they would still do that! Oh, it’s disgusting, and I will not admit it as canon. I wish it never existed so that I wouldn’t have to argue its canonicity with people who do not understand character.
O good but most unwise fanboys! Why, you
Geeky but traitorous Star Warriors, have you thus
Approved Lucas here to choose a successor,
5 That with this peremptory “Seven” — being but
The method and madness of the money machine —
Lacks not the means to pick your pocket of wealth
And spoil your heroes for you? If enough’s not
Ever enough, then ready your nerves. If not,
10 Wake up, you fools! If you are truly fans,
Be not as Trekkies are! If you are not,
Let Disney ruin it for us. You are DizGeeks
If they be Star Wars fans: and they are no less,
When “Nine” after “Eight” produced, the bitter taste
15 Of your disappointment deters them not.
Lucas sold his empire to such a thing
That turns this popular “Seven” into wealth
For themselves only and to rancor for us.
It makes the Skywalkers base! And my soul aches
20 To know, when offensive new films are pitched,
In spite of the past, how eager my fandom is
To moon and pine over what they’ll instant hate
A Disneyfied, Trekkie, Abrams-backed nightmare.