Something You Wish Hadn’t Happened

When it comes to Star Wars, there’s kind of a lot I wish I could’ve prevented. But if there was some kind of genie that granted wishes that applied only to entertainment franchises you loved deeply enough to inspire the intervention of a genie, well, these would be my three things I would wish out of the Star Wars universe.

This first one, I feel so strongly about and have felt so strongly for so long that I wrote a poem about it.

click to see the original post on my other blog

What I Would Change

Yoda would not fight in Episode II!
That’s no thing to put us through.
He looks so stupid I can’t even watch–
I’d like to kick him in his dumb crotch.

He should not fight with a lightsaber,
He should not fight with his next-door neighbor.
He should not fight with Force lightning,
He should not fight, dive, jump, or swing.
He should not fight with Count Dooku.
That whole segment makes George seem cuckoo.

I’d erase this scene so flipping fast,
And replace it with something unsurpassed.
In short, that’s the thing I’d change:
No Yoda-on-smack in sight range.
Obi-Wan would fight LIKE. A. BOSS.
And Yoda his cookies would probably toss.

I wish that the canon hadn’t bloated over the end date prescribed by Timothy Zahn in Vision of the Future — that is, I wish the New Jedi Order had never been conceived of. This has bothered me longer than the Yoda thing, mostly because that’s only been around since 2002, and NJO started torturing my sensibilities long before that. I can’t even read the other books about the Solo children now because it turns my stomach the senseless stuff the shock authors wrote, just to garner sales! In the face of decency, logic, character development — everything that makes sense — they would still do that! Oh, it’s disgusting, and I will not admit it as canon. I wish it never existed so that I wouldn’t have to argue its canonicity with people who do not understand character.

And lastly, my final wish, I wish that the Lucasfilm-Disney merger, resulting in the threat of three new, uncanonical, undesirable films, had never happened. I call these films Geriatric Wars 7: The Search for More Money as a tribute to Spaceballs and also to the fact that the returning cast are all over the age of 60. I can ignore the idiot TV shows and CGI action movies — whatever, those have always existed, like The Holiday Special — shameful little bumps easily ignored and not taken up by anyone much. But last month, I came extremely, extremely close to shutting down this blog because I absolutely could not bear for another second to have this ghastly “third trilogy” thrown in my face. It makes Star Wars into a despicable farce, and the people I find being excited about it confuse me to proportions so epic, I actually get a migraine. How can you stand there and hate every movie made since 1983 and still get excited? Can you comprehend you will also hate these? “Disney Backed Star Wars” was churning everyone’s stomachs not that long ago, and suddenly it’s all forgotten in the frantic excitement of a new movie. It’s disgusting. It makes my stomach turn. I did decide to delete this blog — got embarrassed about taking my purse in public, because people wouldn’t stop saying, “Have you heard they’re making new films?” — got rid of my Star Wars backgrounds on the computer for the first time in four years — but then I decided I am not going to back off. I am keeping this blog. Sooner or later, people will see what I see — a film backed by the people who gave us Pochahontas and starring a 72-year-old Han Solo is a travesty and an insult. I will hold this blog as a bastion of Star Wars sanity.
For the first time, I understand the point and appeal of owning the shirt that says “Show Us on the Trilogy Where George Hurt You.” (Formerly available from Hijinks Ensue, a webcomic that I do not actually endorse.)
Edit. Because I’m so proud of my work here, I have to share another “poem”! This is a satire on a speech from Coriolanus (3.1), accompanied by a picture of Tom Hiddleston rehearsing for that role with a lightsaber.
Donmar Warehouse Coriolanus
Donmar Warehouse Coriolanus

       O good but most unwise fanboys! Why, you
       Geeky but traitorous Star Warriors, have you thus
       Approved Lucas here to choose a successor,
5   That with this peremptory “Seven” — being but
       The method and madness of the money machine —
       Lacks not the means to pick your pocket of wealth
       And spoil your heroes for you? If enough’s not
       Ever enough, then ready your nerves. If not,
10 Wake up, you fools! If you are truly fans,
       Be not as Trekkies are! If you are not,
       Let Disney ruin it for us. You are DizGeeks
       If they be Star Wars fans: and they are no less,
       When “Nine” after “Eight” produced, the bitter taste
15  Of your disappointment deters them not.
       Lucas sold his empire to such a thing
       That turns this popular “Seven” into wealth
       For themselves only and to rancor for us.
       It makes the Skywalkers base! And my soul aches
20 To know, when offensive new films are pitched,
In spite of the past, how eager my fandom is
       To moon and pine over what they’ll instant hate
       A Disneyfied, Trekkie, Abrams-backed nightmare.


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